Did I pass?

Ever taken a test and feel like your life depended on it? Sweating bullets wondering whether you earned a high enough score to achieve your next goal…or even passed?

I remember just under a year ago when we were buying a house. They really hold you up to the light, poke, prod and examine you from every possible angle. I remembering having to explain on a finance document why I was late paying the Macy’s bill once back in 2012.

“What do I say?” I asked my financial advisor. “I just forgot and so made the payment late.”

“Just say that,” she said.

It felt really strange having to explain myself to such a degree, particularly about something so insignificant so many years ago. I did it anyway, and ultimately we passed the test and were able to move into our new home and start paying the mortgage.

It’s never easy being scrutinized, and they really look at you through a microscope when you are doing something like buying a house.

Well, that was nothing.

I get it. Taking care of children who are technically wards of the state is no trivial matter. We are constantly remind of the horror stories about children being removed from their homes out of concern for their safety and well being only to go into a foster home and suffer much worse fates.

So, they want to be absolute sure you have your act together and are someone of solid character before entrusting kids to your care…especially those who are already coping with traumatic experiences.

Even so, it’s not easy feeling as though your life and character are on display for weeks on as you struggle to present a rock solid case that you are the world’s most perfect parent with the most perfect home and the most perfect plan to ensure no harm could ever possibly come to any children in your care.

In the last two months I have had a physical exam, two visits with my psychiatrist, CPR training, a tuberculosis test, an FBI background check, my car inspected by a mechanic and produced a mountain of documents that included pay stubs, tax returns, marriage certificate, proof of insurance…heck, even the vet records showing the dogs’ shots are up to date. 

We moved mountains to get items into the right hands as quickly as possible, because we don’t like creating delays.

Then a month went by, and we were lucky enough to receive a call letting us know it’s time for our home study.

The home ‘inspection’ actually occurred back in October, so for our purposes ‘home study’ is code for therapist guy comes into the house and asks you to tell your life story. He spent a couple hours with hubby and me as a couple then a couple hours with each one of us individually. He spent over six hours in our home.

We delved into our childhoods…what we liked and disliked about them. Our interests, hobbies, relationships with our family members, each other, how we resolve conflicts and on and on.

Then a couple days later we receive a written report detailing everything about our lives, our personalities, our approach to child care. And while it was surreal to read what felt like a non-fiction book about my life, my marriage and my home, it was comforting to read section after section reading ‘no concerns here.’

Shortly thereafter we received the congratulatory email from our recruiter. She said we’d be receiving a call in the coming days to make an appointment to come in and sign not he dotted line. SO, we’re thrilled. Only now it’s harder than ever having to wait.

Then yesterday I got an email asking me to explain more about why I started seeing a psychiatrist int he first place.

Easy, I responded. Primary doctor knew my family history, thought I was a nervous person and so recommended it.

Then today I got another email asking for more details.

Ugh. It was years ago, I responded. It wasn’t a big deal he just thought it would be a good idea for me to look into it for quality of life purposes. I’ve never been less than functional and I am fine now. I thought the letter from my shrink was enough to make that case already.

And now…continuing to wait again. Hoping that will be the end of the questions.

Don’t know what’s happening or why things I think are pretty straightforward should take so long. So I’m trying to distract myself and continue enjoying my perfect life and await word that we’re moving to the next step toward being blessed with having kiddos in our care. Trying to keep my eye on the prize. Trying  to keep my lack of patience in check.

It’s never easy to jump through a lot of hoops, putting your life and your personal business on display to people you have never met. But, you do without hesitation if it’s important. You do it if it’s part of the test you have to pass to achieve you goals.

So…I think the test has been taken now, and I am just waiting to get my grade posted so all is official and out in the open so I can move forward with what really matters.

Reminding a kid to brush his teeth, do his homework, eat his dinner, get ready for holidays, be a good person, tell the truth, study for his tests…

Hurry up and wait

I have many traits — not all positive necessarily. One of my worst is a lack of patience. When I want something I want it to happen now.

Ironic, I know, that someone like me would want to embark on a journey that would test even the most patient of people. But, I know that when it’s important, I can be extremely patient, so I don’t worry about that.

Here’s what’s making me crazy now. After about a month of non-stop insanity with doctor’s appointments, CPR classes, vehicle inspections, pet records, shopping for bulletin boards and child proof accessories for home — not to mention a MOUNTAIN of paperwork (I think I have cramps from signing my name so many times) — everything has come to a screeching halt.

And, now, we wait.

It seems we’re waiting for one of the most overwhelmed and understaffed departments in the nation’s largest county to approve our home as a ‘facility’ for foster children. We’re told it could take two or three weeks. Okay…

ARGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!

Again, I don’t mind waiting for things when I understand the reason for waiting. But, when you are just waiting for some bureaucrat to make his or her way through a pile of documents in the inbox to be rubber stamped, it could make one’s hair fall out.

So, I am taking deep breaths. Deep breaths for the sake of having the opportunity to do what I really want: experience the joys of parenthood while making some kind of positive difference in the life of a child who really needs it.

I know it sounds cheesy, but it’s true.

A respected professional recently told me that older parents make the best parents. No offense to younger parents (my mom was 22 when I was born), but it stands to reason that those with life experience and wisdom have a lot to offer a child and are well equipped to be the calm in a child’s storm.

And, in the process of growing my wisdom, I’ve acquired an understanding that sometimes in order to accomplish a goal you have to play the game. And, sometimes that game is the waiting game.

And, so here we go. Deep breath. Focus on painting the kids room, sprucing up the house and thinking deeply about all the wonderful ways I am going to teach kids about the wonders of the world.

So many innocent lives shaken apart by chaos and unrest in their homes. They need a place to grow and learn while their families regroup. I am here to help with that, and it’s going to be amazing for all involved. I am convinced.

And, so here we go.

Tic toc tic toc… 

Focus on the Fun Stuff While in Purgatory

When you set out to learn about becoming a foster/adoptive parent, you start Googling things like ‘foster parent in Los Angeles.’ Then you consistently get hit with websites that aim to convince you what a piece of cake it is.

‘Hey! Become a resource family now! There are thousands of children who desperately need you! It’s as easy as 1-2-3!’

Then you find out there is a lot more to it than filling out a form, giving a thumb print and a blood sample and calling it a day.

That’s because the 45 foster/family agencies in Los Angeles County want to recruit you. They are competing with one another, and the last thing they want to do is frighten you away so you end up running to another agency.

So…we learned quickly to go into this with an open mind and a lot of patience.

There are tons of meaningless forms and checklists that you are legally obligated to sign and post on your wall. You have to show you have enough canned food in the garage to feed everyone in the household for a week in case of an alien invasion or some other disaster. You have to submit copies of recent paychecks, car insurance certificates and all toenail clippings from the past six months.

Okay, so you don’t have to submit toenail clippings, but there will be items in the myriad of checklists that boggle your mind. So, just go with the flow and do what needs to be done for the greater good. There is really nothing on the to-do list that is that hard. It’s just a super long list of a lot of tedious tasks and can seem overwhelming at first. But, just go through it carefully and make plans and you will be fine.

I recently ran across this 2017 comprehensive guide for those seeking resource family approval produced by the Step Up Coalition. It gives a detailed and straightforward account of what it takes to get certified as a resource parent. 

So, all that said…we hit a milestone this week: We completed our paperwork and passed our home inspection.

Hurray.

No explanation point there, because now we’re in limbo.

So, as i wait and think about fun things like what color to pain the kids room, here are a few insights:

• The home inspection is not a big deal. As long as you pay close attention to all the details on the checklist the agency provides you — even the ones that don’t make sense — you will do just fine. There is not really a lot to sweat over. If you have room for the kids to sleep and can show the environment is clean and safe, and reasonable social worker will support you.

• When something is important to you, you don’t drag your feet in making it happen. That is until the bureaucracies get involved. As long as we were were working alongside the foster family agency, everything moved quickly. We received responses immediately and were able to get questions answered. Now that our case has been handed over to the county for their rubber stamp the process has come to a screeching halt. It’s a good exercise in patience, and I am keeping my chin up, recognizing that now that I am not bogged down with paperwork, fingerprints, doctors appointments and CPR classes, I can focus on the fun stuff…like shopping for furniture and brushing up on my algebra and U.S. history so I can be effective at helping with homework.
  
  (By the way, i can't emphasize this enough: the advantage of having so many agencies who want you as their resource parent is important. If you can't get your questions answered or things don't move quickly enough, pick another agency. You need one that works at your speed and that you can connect with.)

• I think planning to be a resource parent is more involved than planning a wedding or buying a house — both of which we have done in the last 16 months. I suppose it makes sense. When it comes to the safety and welfare of children, why not put prospective caregivers to the most rigorous tests possible? So far we’ve passed with flying colors. Now…we swim through red tape and stay afloat.

Now comes the fun part…finding answers to the big questions. The ones that aren’t written down in any guidebooks. Like…how do you talk to children in your care about their experiences? How do you go about having a relationship with the birth mother? What should kids in your care call you? What’s it like interacting with a teacher who is accustomed to interacting with someone else (or not)? How will my dogs respond to having children in the house? How will I help ensure a child follows a healthy diet and learns responsibility and discipline without become the target of hate and anger?

Those are just a few that come to mind. i intend to provide answers to those as I go forward. So. More to come.

Today is My Favorite Day

“What day is it?” asked Pooh. 

“It’s today,” squeaked Piglet.

“My favorite day,” said Pooh.” 

― A.A. Milne

I’ve never been one of those people who spends a lot of time looking up and posting quotes for public view. I’ve always thought of people who do that a lot to be on the pretentious side.

Lately, though, I’ve noticed myself doing it more and more. And, I suppose a reason for that is I am embarking on new and unfamiliar territory, and so I am looking to the wisdom of others to guide me.

I know I need to be prepared for the inevitable pain and heartbreak that will come with fostering children. I know I will be thrown into situations for which I will be completely unprepared. And, so I am looking to available calming and centering thoughts to help keep things in perspective even when strong emotions cloud my thinking.

Moreover, as parent figures of any sort, we will need to know how to hold ourselves together to be pillars of reliability for children — particularly those who have experienced the kinds of trauma I cannot even imagine.

And, so keeping oneself stable and focused and — as our recruiter frequently says (they have folks who’s main job is finding and helping candidates to become resource parents, because more are always needed) ‘you need to be the calm in their storm.’

And, so hubby and I are doing our best to prepare our environment to be suitable for the job ahead. 

And, so wise thoughts that summarize some of our most deeply held values and guiding principles just might come in handy. Even more, they may help us in teaching children some of the most important lessons they will need to learn.

One lesson I’ve struggled with? Remember when and where you are.

Nervous people like me tend to spend a great deal of time and energy thinking and worrying about the past and the future…at the expense of the present. My hubby is a much more centered person than I am and really good at living ‘in the moment.’ It’s one of the reason people have often said we compliment each other well.

Well, now is my chance to pass on that lesson to others in a new generation. And, if I can help a handful of children carry these bits of wisdom with them as they grow into wonderful adult human beings, then I will have done a worthy job.

So…for the moment. Remember what Pooh said. The most important day is today. It’s the only day you have. Do everything you possibly can to make it the best day of your life.